1st Main Page - yer on it, son
2nd Main Page - ain't done yet
B.W.K.: The Movie
Big Weird Souvenirs - page ain't ready yet
Who Did This - page ain't ready yet
Why
Copyright
Links
What I am about to tell you is completely true. It is the story of
a peculiar animal who started life as a normal cat. His mother was a
stray I found in the mid 1980's, shortly after the '49 tractor I purchased
17 years later was to break down and require an engine overhaul. She (the
stray cat, not the tractor) was a mild and loyal animal whom no-one could've
guessed would give birth to what some folks thought was either a gray angel
or an extraterrestrial entity with ill-defined but not entirely friendly
motives.
At the time of his birth, which corresponded with a specific one of the
innermost growth rings of a certain Bristlecone Pine, the cat in question
was an ordinary gray Tabby in all respects. We named him Rambo; I would like
to tell folks it was after Rambo's, the Califon general store that had been
there since the 1950's or maybe the 1890's, but looking back, I'm pretty sure
I'd hastily come up with the name in connection with the Stallone movie,
Rambo, because anyone who singlehandedly flies a helicopter gunship
against them wretched commies is okay in my book. (a strange coincidence:
it wouldn't be "they" who would draw first blood. It would be Big Weird Kitty.
Just ask the furnace guy.)
One day in 1991 or '92, Rambo emerged from the woods displaying marked
change in appearance and disposition, both of which proved permanent. His
left eye (oculo sinistro) was now half-closed in a permanent squint;
hand-in-hand with this transformation in appearance, there now seemed a
tendency toward increased aggression and odd behavior. From that day on,
his new name was Big Weird Kitty. I learnt this information directly from
him, because he communicated it to me via a type of as yet-undiscovered particle
that can travel faster than light.
Things got out of hand, right quick. Faster'n hot grease through a tin
horn, a crop o' local legends grew up somewhere between the cornstalks and
the Jersey tomatoes. Ball lightning rose up over the marshes. Milk went sour
where there'd been no thunder. Sinister gnomes carted off livestock to unseen
subterranean cities... and all of it, we were sure, was connected to Big
Weird Kitty.
Seein' as he was still my pet cat, and my favorite one at that, I couldn't
bear to raise a weapon to him. My musket sat in the corner collecting dust.
Alright, there was this one time in the basement I thought it might be Big
Weird Kitty and his three-fingered Grey alien friends coming to savage me
and perform 'experiments', so I raised an empty 1873 Colt single-action
revolver in that general direction to scare 'em, but it turned out to be
Earl sneaking in through the septic tank anyhow. So generally I sat around
at night listenin' to that awful meaowin' and wondered when ol' Big and
Weird would come for me.
Lest ye have yer doubts about the reality of Big Weird Kitty, consider
the following anecdotal evidence:"I'm afraid of that animal, I really am." - Roy Peterson
"See Roy? I told you Big Weird Kitty's spaceship was in the septic tank!" - Earl Johnson
"You 'member Cousin Maynard, don't ye? You know, the one with the three eyes? Well he said he seen Big Weird Kitty jump sideways through the air. Defyin' the very laws of physics!" - Roy Peterson
"Ouch! The son of a bitch bit me!" - the furnace guy
"Did I ever tell ye I had a tractor that'll do a hunderd'n-eighty miles an hour?" - Roy Peterson
"Back off or else I'll flush" - 2nd Cousin Floyd
As you can see, credible people
of sound mind, like myself (Roy Peterson) and my best friend (Earl Johnson),
have observed these supernatural phenomena. I felt compelled to set these
things down in writing, and where possible, in pictures, so that posterity
might forever preserve the legend of Big Weird Kitty, and also to make sure
somebody'd know where I went in case Big Weird Kitty was to turn hostile
or bring reinforcements from wherever it was that animal came from.
Should some of my assembled photographic evidence surface in a yard sale
somewhere in the rural remnants of northwestern New Jersey, or for that
matter South Dakota, you'll at least know that squint was for real and Big
Weird Kitty got that way through no fault of my own, nor through any means
that any living person witnessed. Although when Cousin Floyd was doing that
ride-along in the septic tank truck back in '48, he said he heard a terrible
ruckus along Gallows Hill Road one night, with meaowin' and what sounded
like a wolf, so maybe Big Weird Kitty got in a fight with a hippopotamus
and that's what made him that way.Incidentally, Cousin Floyd once told me that in a past life he was a superspectral being from the planet "Septictanktruck". This would mean he was a "Septictanktruckian". If you type that term in a search engine, you better not let anyone see you. They might think there is something really wrong with you. I didn't make it up, though. Floyd told me one night during a bout of whiskey and illegal gambling.
